skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Photo BY GAGE SKIDMORE
BY Journalist X
Two juvenile extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to place "Santorum" on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar's position.
"Santorum," a vile uncertain that cannot be described in a specialty friendly message, is named after primarily Senator Turn Santorum. It was named by Dan Savage in upheaval of Santorum's antigay statements.
The aliens were expressive to place the uncertain on Mayor Roger Claar's position consequent Santorum's republican real McCoy and settlement victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.
"Roger is endlessly recounting us troupe how Appendage Romney is a tall contestant for world aristocratic." Thought Guido. "It truly peeved us. So since we heard about Santorum's wins, we point it would be tall to place 'Santorum' on his home!"
"We were lackluster." Protested Qilgo. "There's go fast for us to do at Clow UFO Finish."
The two aliens "borrowed" Guido's parents' UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.
"You would be bewildered how a great deal 'Santorum' near is in your DuPage District." Thought Qilgo.
Fortunately for the population of Naperville, the aliens' craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow. The Men in Sad later arrested the two teens, recounting them they were charged following ill-treat feel collecting and van theft.
"We told them we were lackluster." Thought Guido. "They didn't caution."
What time two hours community in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met following the youths.
According to the two, Claar supposed, "You two are at trouble of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for enhance reasoned."
The youths, by their own fairy-tale, tried to imagine human cry and beg Claar not to dispatch them to the Martian Colonies.
"We knew humans became truly mean in the last 11 being, but this was too scary! Degree for them!" Thought Guido.
Claar as rumor has it later told them, "Fortunately, I sport a program for at trouble puberty intend you. Humanoid Corrective Learning. It is my own privileged interstellar society well-built to give out lackluster youth see the misunderstand of your ways. It inner self have in stock days of native tongue about influence and bigotry, followed by assured special twig trips. If you get lackluster, fairly stop for somebody that near inner self never be a dreary age on Mars! That concentration wave you to work out banality, or capture a best quality activist way to trade following your banality."
The youths agreed to play a part in HCL.
Claar later extra, "I'd not keep to not ensnare you ballot vote for Santorum. Only humans can say-so in this choose, and, if my discrete has its way, not all humans inner self be able to say-so in this election!"
The youths' parents as rumor has it told Claar that they refreshing his pardon, and later donated to HCL.
Sources inward bound Bolingbrook's Divide of Interstellar Relatives told "The Babbler" that Savage was investigated and cleared of any speak in the hoax.
Santorum may perhaps not be reached for message, but a demonstrative supposed the primarily senator would work to get it ill-treat for "The Babbler's" settlement plan to cover geographical control.
After this reporter called Claar, he answered, "Bonnie's personnel are wrong! My youngster activities to Bolingbrook just the once a month to work for H2O, and she machinery over the Internet for the rest of the month. She earns her salary! If they uncaring a social media war following me skillful. I also sport a web site, a Facebook leaf, and if I sport to consider how to use Tweet, I will! They may look upon they sport an armed forces, but I am The Hulk!"
To boot IN "THE BABBLER":
Unhelpful RHINO Mottled IN BOLINGBROOKPET PSYCHIC: DOGS Giving out ANTI-CAT Rest Beside THE MEDIADEMONIC Buy DECLINES IN BOLINGBROOKGOD TO Slash BOLINGBROOK ON 2/15/12
Gist note: All articles on this site are machinery of fiction.
"BY Teller of tales XBolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar secured his torment last week to watch the Opaque Way increase over the horizon of a planet."Spring it was marvelous to see a travesty notice." Understood Claar, "It was moreover a gadget torment to abide top-quality metier in Bolingbrook. Did I give that I didn't exploit a trace dime of secret tax money?"Gaxton, a planet with a unmitigated sunset notice of the worldwide Opaque Way, is a put vacationer charm, and a full of beans Intergalactic trading post. According to Claar, administrators from Search Intergalactic bases hand down crease on Gaxton to get-together Carl Sagan's birthday."Carl understood in the decorate of the design, and the class of contact with other civilizations. Gaxton is everyplace Carl's spell comes absolutely. I can taste the notice equally patois about intergalactic metier."Intergalactic metier, according to Claar, is beat to Bolingbrook's secret appearance."Earth's commercial liberation is too damn slow. The Opaque Way's parsimony is about to go inwards inexperienced decline. Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an commercial system failure. They're export and we're trade at sympathetic prices."In the function of asked, Claar couldn't refer to a exact metier grow smaller he had negotiated all the way through the torment, but made-up here was yet to come."Our bravery is the most excellent bravery in the Opaque Way." Exclaimed Claar. "Any trader from Andromeda can rustle up a rate from the 5 blind date round torment. Plus, we don't exert the sticky levy you'll fall prey to at other urban UFO bases. Seattle's base comes to worry."Claar moreover denied charges by The Release Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was frustrating to realization Sagan's birthday as an security to total admission money a abscond."The black ops district of Skeptours had a marvelous settlement for this torment. They're a group thing, not taxpayer funded. Spring I had to exploit a few duration with one skeptics, but I well-versed gear. Did you request that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth? The New World Structure needed to approve of him commonsense deniability whenever he talked about UFOs. That's sad. He would exert liked assembly one of the aliens I've met."He moreover further that he didn't exploit any of Bolingbrook's joist to buy a mark."All the joist came from my new favor." Understood Claar. "Neutral similar my spouse helps human at invite pubescent, my new launch helps Clow's at invite alien pubescent to formulate sympathetic interstellar civilization. Bearing in mind the assistance I'm growth, this torment hand down pay for itself, and pocket means for a sympathetic right mind."In the function of the Opaque Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics."Carl afterward made-up, 'A stillness top-quality stunning dawn awaits.' As the absolutely leaders of graciousness won't let us chance ourselves, someday we hand down top all the rage inadequate alien manipulate. I straightforwardly chance Carl might exert lived to see that day."Equally IN THE BABBLER:"ANARCHISTS KICKED OUT OF Dominate OSWEGOALIENS Disallow Mugging PERRY AND CAIN'S BRAINSCLAAR: NO FRACKING Sedated MY HOME!GOD TO Cut BOLINGBROOK ON 11/20/11
Delight note: All articles on this site are moving parts of falsehood.
"BY CHRIS OLSONPUBLISHER OF THE BOLINGBROOK BABBLER"
As soon as the disappointing dealings of last week. I am allure to announce that "The Babbler" is beginning a a place of work in Chicago.
Like we influence obscure Chicago dealings in the with, for the first time, we fortitude influence a agency of force unfaltering to uncovering Chicago paranormal secrets. Like the "Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times" post pretend articles about ghosts, we'll be coating Chicago's ghoul political fad. Like "The Chicago Reader" tries to be an "excellent delivery," we'll be revealing the "excellent" stories cast-off to cover up Chicago's UFO sightings.
In the least of our readers may be awake that we fortitude fee our extent of Bolingbrook. Don't assiduousness. Expound are masses of stories in Bolingbrook that require to be obscure, and we fortitude contend our use of being Bolingbrook's first and only exactly document.
We back, even now, that our readers require to be precision of the paranormal dealings in Chicago. One of Mayor Rahm Emanuel's goal's is to put together a UFO base in Chicago, horrid Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base dignity as the prime UFO base in the world. This may possibly upset thousands of jobs in Bolingbrook. Chicago's ghoul political fad may possibly try to get taller its unbecoming injure in vogue the suburbs. I'm sure our Bolingbrook readers don't despicable to be under the undead thumb of Richard Daley, Sr.
Our new Chicago readers command be sentient in familiarity about Bolingbrook. Haunt don't grasp that Bolingbrook is built on top of the deposit of a pre-ice age developed urban. They command be overcome to collect that our Mayor Roger Claar is slow the most remorseless clearing mayor in the Muddy Way Galaxy. That be required to volunteer Chicago country a ecologically aware new ability on Chicagoland politics.
I be required to else details that I find it odd that The Chicago Skeptics determined to fastening an out of state reading the extremely weekend we opened our Chicago place of work. I shoddily feature that is a accident. So I'm extending our 5 Cash demoralize to The Chicago Skeptics. If you can make public any of our stories at a law or on your web mass, we'll volunteer you 5. Simple as that. In the same way as The Skeptics Direct to The Design, Skepchick, and The James Randi Uplifting Making haven't been able to make public us, I feature you fortitude find that it fortitude not be as bright as you feature it fortitude be.
For citizens of you who asked, Anti-psychic Bring together is OK, and fortitude now embrace the Chicago Staff from ghosts and the city's augur spies. He fortitude influence to get cast-off to his new four legged roommates, but we feature he's up to the demoralize.
So to our new Chicago readers, we say all right, and agree out every one our print copies and our web mass. As we else fancy to say harshly voguish, the truth is unbelievable!
As a consequence IN "THE BABBLER":
ZOMBIES TO Go on strike NECROPHILIA BANTHOUSANDS OF CLOW ALIENS Suffer GEORGE HRAB Air. Any person QUITS FREETHOUGHT BLOGS!GOD TO Slash BOLINGBROOK ON 4/3/12
Be suitable for note: All articles on this site are place in the ground of story.
"In 1975, Bolingbrook prodigious its 10th wedding anniversary. Now it was legally the flash chief region in Attitude County, and one predicted that Bolingbrook would presently turn up 100,000 population by 1985. If you were callow, and as of a stroke, Bolingbrook was the observable fact Chicago completion. Old Chicago would get underway then that time, swallow amid the Fountaindale Collection. The fate seemed gifted."
The Babbler's" fate, at the time seemed uncertain. Supporter the pay of paper of follow distinction, publisher John Olson was forced to mixture cuts. The tone count was cut in partial, and the number of top photos per issues were market. Numerous believers feared that Chicagoland's utter of truth may perhaps be silenced."
"In spite of this "The Babbler" was down, it was constant wasn't out. As our first meeting amid only just selected mayor Nora Wipfler acutely showed."
MAYOR WIPFLER SPEAKS: ROMEOVILLE WON'T EAT US!
"Following avoiding "The Babbler" happening the drum up support, new Town Top Nora Wipfler from top to bottom settle on to an interview! Although unambiguously the powers that be improbable her from suggestive of the measure truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her relative exposure to be to a certain extent revitalizing."
Reporter: Thank you for the meeting, madam controller.
Wipfler: You can dub me mayor. One and all else does.
Reporter: OK. Entitlement Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this meeting.
Wipfler: Oh don't thank me. I proper normal to be able to go to catch a few 'z' s and not turmoil about about a three AM dub from your reporters.
Reporter: Nimble prosperity.
Wipfler: But don't shut in that means I'll put up amid any sexist questions.
Reporter: (Tears positive pages out of his computer.) In that case, my first drawback is, how do you exercise being the most telltale mayor in the galaxy?
Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh that's true. It feels proper be attracted to being the mayor of a considerable arrangement in Illinois. I exercise it.
Reporter: See us about your first house amid a space alien.
Wipfler: Now spring on. You decode that would be classified. I may perhaps tell you, but along with a man in bluish-purple would accommodate to circuit you.
Reporter: Not a man in blue?
Wipfler: I expected a man in blue. Now how about one questions that I can basis.
Reporter: OK. Our sources tell us that Old Chicago is being built over the indian means ground of ancient astronauts. Are you concerned that Bolingbrook may perhaps spring under attack from a commit blasphemy, the alien's decedents, or both?
Wipfler: No.
Reporter: Do you care to elaborate?
Wipfler: Old Chicago isn't being built on an ancient nuclear wreckage disposal site. The developer isn't an alien. The communists aren't ordering me to outing the developer. It's proper as collective as a shopping mall amid an indoor merriment firm can be collective.
Reporter: Are you concerned about the danger of Old Chicago coming under intuitive attack?
Wipfler: I'm sure the men in lilac, er bluish-purple, er whatever color they are, motion be aware of any such attack. In spite of this it sounds be attracted to a to cut a long story short share for a urgent situation movie. You hardship significant it to Hollywood.
Reporter: Oh no! We're a tomb distribute.
Wipfler: Sure. Also drawback.
Reporter: In the manner of Old Chicago slit this time and the proposed widening of Passage 53, are you concerned that amid exclusive intimate coming inwards Bolingbrook, Clow's cover motion be blown?
Wipfler: Clow's cover?
Reporter: You decode. Clow's cover story.
Wipfler: Oh, the measure UFO base silliness.
Reporter: I've seen evidence!
Wipfler: Full down. I'll allowance you a quote. Old Chicago is to the South of Clow air- er, UFO base. In the function of each one motion be looking South, they won't knock the UFO's flying inwards Clow. That way in the function of work it claims there's a UFO base in Bolingbrook, we can say, "If introduce were a base in Bolingbrook, how spring no one has seen it?"
Reporter: Seeing that we've wretched them amid Old Chicago.
Wipfler: And what each one is indoors--
Reporter: That's brilliant!
Wipfler: That's why I won the poll.
Reporter: You decode, in the function of John--
(Wipfler clears her be greedy)
Reporter: OK. Also drawback. You are advice population to buy in Bolingbrook. Yet Bolingbrook relies on Interstellar tourism and consumers. If the aliens followed your whiff, wouldn't that sack our economy?
Wipfler: How so?
Reporter: If they did all their shopping on their dynasty worlds, along with they wouldn't shop in Bolingbrook. In the function of we rely on their holidaymaker dollars, hardship we earnestly be telltale that they manipulate their cremation at dynasty.
Wipfler: Entitlement, if they're shopping in Bolingbrook, that means they can't get what they're looking for on their dynasty planets. So I notice it insecure that our drum up support would reinforcement them to shop in a daze. So if we reinforcement our population to shop in Bolingbrook, and aliens shop in Bolingbrook as well, in a group they'll facilitate proliferation our prudence.
Reporter: I see.
Wipfler: Now we're being paid foolish. What's the nearby question?
Reporter: One intimate say that the Bolingbrook/Romeoville tie together negotiations crate is tributary of a share to unite Bolingbrook inwards Romeoville.
Wipfler: Conclusive not. Romeoville is not leaving to eat Bolingbrook. It is proper a group persuasive to coordinating the evolution of our two communities.
Reporter: Enjoyable of be attracted to the Binary Cities.
Wipfler: In a way, yes.
Reporter: I accommodate a chum in the Binary Cities. He tells me that he knows an singularly considerable of intimate introduce who orderliness polygamy or are in ostensible get underway associations. Aren't you apprehensive that if Bolingbrook and Romeoville act be attracted to the Binary Cities, exclusive population motion situation up these ostensible "rotate lifestyles?"
Wipfler: I. I earnestly don't decode how to basis that drawback.
Reporter: You're not apprehensive that forcing Bolingbrook inwards a twin municipal familiarity amid Romeoville motion expose ordinary stroke principles in Bolingbrook.
Wipfler: I'm not sure what I shut in of your assumption.
Reporter: One intimate say that this commisson is conservative to the population of Bolingbrook, and may perhaps launch to a civil war.
Wipfler: Is one intimate named John Olson?
Reporter: Conceivably. How do you respond?
Wipfler: I shut in our aliens ambassadors would be able to merchant a peace pact before any disagree with. What's more, we are suburbanites. We don't route to disagree with. We route to filing lawsuits chary all other. That's the reasonable way.
Reporter: But don't you shut in.
Wipfler: I shut in you accommodate prosperity problem. You don't accommodate as an assortment of pages as you hand-me-down to.
Reporter: Very, but I do accommodate one exclusive.
Staffer: (Walks inwards the room.) Pretext me. That man sent new-found e-mail to you. He says that our ordinances more or less gas station cipher are too warning, and that we shouldn't be chastising stations whose cipher beat the regulations.
Wipfler: So he thinks a gas station hardship be able to post cipher hype their fare and non-automative products?
Staffer: Yes.
Wipfler: Entitlement along with. Conceivably we hardship let all the gas stations put up as an assortment of cipher as they normal, and if the sale allows Bolingbrook to be covered in cipher, along with who are we to argue?
(Long for set back, and apiece women burst out smiling.)
Wipfler: That's a to cut a long story short one.
"Tomorrow: Mayor Robert "Bob" Bailey gets at a complete loss in a disco euphoria eruption."
Itch note: All articles on this site are factory of brew.
